


The creature keeps a journal to remember

by Siriusblackisasweetie



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky has a journal, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, the winter soldier is slowly remembering and writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:53:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6830491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siriusblackisasweetie/pseuds/Siriusblackisasweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While he was on the run, the Winter Soldier started to remember things. As soon as he remembers them, he forgots most of them so he started to keep a journal of his memories. </p>
<p>Here are the journal plus other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After about a week when he was on the run, the Winter Soldier started remembering things. But almost as soon as he remembered, it forgot. Sometimes, it kept the memory, but most of the time, it disappeared from his mind.

When it made it out two weeks on the run alive, those memories kept wandering around in his head. It some got clearer, others foggier. So, when the thing went at a small shop - the smaller the stores, the better - to buy - steal - itself a backpack and some socially essential items - soap, toothbrush - and it saw a little notebook, an idea popped in his head.

It could write it's memory in it. That way, he'd be sure they're real, and it would not forget again.

So the creature stole it. Along with a black pen. It pulled a gun out to the cashier and told him not to say a word to anyone about it, or it would come back to take care of him, in a thick undistinctive accent.Then it got away.

The Winter Soldier got on a building's roof, about five hundred meters high; it's legs hanging against the wall under itself when it started writing in its journal.

  
_body's name is bucky?? i think??? not sure_   
_born in 1925 or maybe 1926 not sure_   
_father was an abusive drunk motherfucker that the creature would peel his skin off while he were alive if it could_   
_had two siblings??? a short blond and a little brunette, the creature visited her in 1963 while it was on a mission_   
_the human was very skilled at martial art_   
_was military??? not sure_

  
The creature only let itself write about the old owner of the body it's using even though it didn't understand why. It's starting to feel things that it can't put words on. The thing closed the notebook, put the item back in it's backpack and jumped from the roof.

 

One thing that the Winter Soldier doesn't know nor remember is what it's done. It doesn't remember anything between 1945 and now, whenever now is. And it doesn't want to. 


	2. Chapter 2

  
_the thing likes canada a lot_   
_it stayed there for a couple of years_   
_there was this stupid song from a stupid quebequese teenager reality show that got stuck in its head_   
_made the stupid error to hum it in front of handlers_   
_got shocked until it tells them what the song was_   
_got made laughed at and told what a faggot it is to like it_   
_got put in a room for weeks with the song playing over and over again loud as fuck_   
_became crazy as fuck_   
_in the end it didnt even hear it anymore_   
_they got him out and broke his right elbow_   
_bad behavior_   
_never again_   
_repeat it soldier_   
_REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!_   
_ill nev_   
_again_   
_never aga_   
_in_

_creature hasnt slept in weeks_   
_hasnt eaten in weeks_   
_it's starting to feel weaker_

_the creature tried to eat_   
_vomit_   
_it doesnt know how its supposed to eat????_   
_insufficient knowledge_

_it can drink water and keep it inside_   
_and it can drink protein shake_

_it slept for about 0030 minutes_   
_woke up by a teenager_   
_killed the teenager by reflex_   
_feels weird_   
_left him there_

_blond guy_   
_brother???_   
_drawing on the floor while the human reads_   
_nobody talks_   
_the human feels really happy_   
_happy_   
_what is happy_   
_insufficient knowledge_   
_happi n_   
_ess_   
_???_

_the creature gagged on the floor_  
 _only one arm_  
 _no metal yet_  
 _something inside it_  
 _inside it's ass_  
 _hurts_  
 _hurts really bad_  
 _the memory made the creature vomit_

* * *

 

 

The Winter Soldier hit one month alive on the run. It didn't know how it made it happen. The creature killed three people until now and felt weird every time. It likes killing, but there is also another feeling.

Insufficient knowledge.

The creature hadn't written a lot of things in his journal, but it feel's enough. Writing and remembering takes a lot out of the thing. It only slept once in a month and it can only keep shakes without vomiting, and the Winter Soldier is starting to feel itself weakening. It couldn't do anything about it. All it could do was lying in a semi-dark alley as it was waiting to die.

It felt death coming to get it. It knew death would be coming any minute now. It waited for it.

But it kept writing while it waited.

* * *

 

_remember the smell of steve's bedroom_   
_who is steve_   
_insufficient knowledge_   
_it smelled like cigarettes meds wood and coffee mostly_   
_remember steve's smell_   
_who the hell is steve????????_   
_insufficient knowledge_   
_smelled like fresh lemons meds a hint of cinnamon and sugar_   
_smelled sweet and good_

* * *

 

 

 

After a couple of days lying in the alley, the Winter Soldier didn't even have enough strength in itself to reach out to his backpack to get some water or shake. At least, it made sure to always have it's notebook at hand length to write when it got conscious.

The creature had been losing conscience and been losing track of time for a while now, it didn't know anymore. It started to hallucinate Hydra handlers trying to take him back to Russia to cut him open again. It screamed a lot when it was conscious. The thing stopped writing when it started hallucinating, a while back, maybe a couple of days back, after that happy thought. It felt like it had to give its journal one last entry. The creature wrote it, barely even being aware of it. It fainted before it finished its note, pen in hand.

 

_feeling death coming to get me_   
_goodbye steve_   
_i lov ed yo_


	3. Chapter 3

  
The creature woke up in a small blue room. The second its eyes were open, it examined its surrounding to try to understand where it was and what happened.

Insufficient knowledge.

Maybe three seconds passed since it was awake that it was already going out through the window. The thing broke it with its metal arm without forgetting to take its backpack, which was next to the bed. It started running towards nowhere particular. It only kept going to its left without knowing why. The thing stopped running after an hour, that's when it felt in safety, it was sure that no one was going to get the creature back there.

The thing felt like every single time Hydra let it out its icy prison. The Winter Soldier frowned. It took its notebook out its backpack - everything it owned when it last remember was there - and its pen and wrote.

_feels the same as when they let the creature out_   
_means it feels fed and barely rest up_   
_barely is all it needs_   
_confirmed_

It closed its notebook and it started walking again. Wandering was the best word to describe what it was doing. The thing realised a while ago that it was in Brooklyn while it was running. Brooklyn looked familiar. It made itself a mental note to write it in its journal later.

The creature felt like its own legs were on their own, knowing perfectly welll where to go and he reached a rather small coffee shop. Their name looked old, it was written "Gracie's snacks" in a faded dirty green. The thing went in.

There were a few tables - six - and chairs - nineteen -, there were also at least three different possible exits if something goes wrong. The creature could only hear two heartbeats, which meant it were only one human in the place. The thing weirdly felt at ease. It frowned. That's when the human came out of the backstore.

It was a black man, approximatively around twenty six years old. His smile grew wide when he saw the creature. It frowned even more. "Hey, that's you again, man!" The man exclaimed, excitedly. Why was he excited?

Insufficent knowledge.

"I. came here. before?" The creature asked the man - his name Sam was written on his button down.

Sam smiled even more, as if it were possible, "every damn time you come here, you ask that. How come you always look like that, even after years ? Gotta give me the secret potion man, every day passes and I look five years older than I am!"

"Secret potion. is being kept. in ice. for decades." It said with the straightest face it could manage, not wanting to let the man know the creature was deeply confused.

Sam let out a wild laugh, the thing's eyebrows rose, "still funny, I see! I really love the accent, by the way. It changed since last time. Where's it from?"

Insufficient knowledge.

"I don't. know."

Sam frowned a little, amused, "you don't know where you went and got that accent from?" The creature shook its head while Sam hummed. "Well, seems like a weird mix of Russian and French, how is that even possible, I have no clue, but yeah. Anyway," Sam walked behind his counter and the creature also moved toward it carefully, "the usual?"

Insufficient knowledge.

"What is. the usual?"

"Oh man, you're gonna make me crazy. You usually take a blueberry milkshake and a carrot muffin." The creature felt his nose wrinkle. Sam laughed, "yeah, you never seem fond of it. There was this one time you came here and you were, like, extra lucid or some shit and you told me it was your best friend's favorite and it reminded you of him." The Winter Soldier frowned again. A best friend?

Insufficient knowledge.

"I. have no. friends."

"You said you did, once. Greatest guy you ever met," the cashier smiled sadly at the creature as though he knew something the creature didnt, which he probably did.

"But I have. no cash."

"You never do. It's okay, it's on the house."

"Why."

"Why not? You look like you need it most of the time." His smile felt like a sunshine hitting the creature hard, it felt hot a little instantly. It stared at the man while he did the creature's milkshake. It took approximatively one minute and six seconds and it had its milkshake and hot muffin. It walked to the farest table and got his notebook out.

 _woke up in a smal blue bedroom_  
_broke window with metal fist_  
_run to the left_  
_always the left_  
_on your left_  
_brooklyn feels very familiar_  
_got a bestfriend once???_  
_maybe it was the steve bucky always have memories about_  
_steve is not the body's owner's brother but a best friend??_  
_insufficiant knowledge_  
_carrot muffins supposedly reminds bucky or the creature of steve - not sure which one_  
_maybe both_  
_the creature like blueberry milkshake_  
_hates carrot muffin_  
_but the creature feels something in its stomach as it eats it_  
_the body owner think it may be sadness_

 


	4. Chapter 4

The creature has been at the little shop for two hours, Sam kept bringing him new milkshakes - he never took the dirty ones though - every half hours without saying a word. Until he did. The man sat down on the chair in front of the creature and looked at it directly in its eyes, "hey, are you okay, man?"

"Insufficiant knowledge," the creature let out before even realising it.

Sam's eyes grew wide, "the f-what?" The thing didn't say anything back, staring at the wall behind the cashier. "Okay, then. I'm gonna ask you a question okay, and it won't be delicate at all. Are you alright with that?" Still no answer. "Do you have a mental or are you crazy?"

This time, the creature's gaze slowly moved towards Sam's eyes until it met them, it then said, "I'm a. monster."

The creature heard Sam's heartbeat beat faster, he was getting afraid, but he didn't let it show on his face, "what makes you say that?"

"It's what I. was made. to be."

Sam lifted an eyebrow, "you think so?"

"I know. so."

"Okay then." His heartbeat steadied. They stayed in silence for a minute and twenty four seconds when Sam spotted the journal. He frowned, "what do you write in there?"

"Memories." The thing felt obligated to answer the man's questions and it didn't know why. The man hummed.

"It's a great idea man. You've been coming here for the past four years I've been working here, maybe you came here even before that, who knows? But if you want, I could tell you things about yourself? You've opened up to me a couple of times and I have a great memory. That's only if you want, though."

The creature thought about it, not even sure if it wanted to know. It then decided to open its notebook to a blank page and slide it towards the man in front of him, "write. the infor.mations."

Sam's eyes grew wide, "are you sure you're comfortable with that? You usually hate it when people touch your things." The creature nodded, it made sense. Sam carefully took the thing's pen and notebook and started to write in it. He wrote for seven minutes and forty one seconds before he closed the notebook and gave it back to the creature, "there, that's all I know, man."

The creature took it, putting it back in its backpack and then left.


	5. Chapter 5

  
_The first time you came here you asked for Gracie, which threw me off because Gracie's been dead for about forty years. I told you that and the look in your eyes went even more lifeless than it already was. Then you ran out the door. You came back about two days later looking confused. You didn't say anything, you just sat down and stared out the shop for the best part of the two hours you were there. I finally decided to ask you if you wanted anything and that it'd be on the house if you did - you looked like a wreck. Dirty clothes, you even had blood on your right arm. You frowned and said something like "the owner used to like milkshakes" in your weird ass accent. I gave you a blueberry one, you drank it and left._

_The next time I saw you was two years later. You looked really confused again and you looked like you didn't age one day since the time before. I said that I thought I'd never see you again. You pulled a G U N O N ME dude and asked me how come I knew you. Not in that many words though. I told you you came here a couple of years ago and you said that you've never been here before. I don't know how I managed it but I calmed you down a little, you sat down and stared at nothing particular. I gave you a milkshake and you pulled A K N I F E that time and you asked me if I put poison in it and to drink it. I did so, telling you I didn't put shit in it. You took it back and drank it. My phone rang so I answered and when I looked back at where you were, you were gone._

_You came back a week after that, looking a little more human than ever before. Your accent disappeared and you started to tell me how you used to come here every day with your best friend when you were younger. That he always used to eat a carrot muffin and that you wanted one. I also gave you the milkshake. You were talking, man, you were unstoppable. You told me about how great military was, that you missed it, you missed your friend too. More than anything. You told me his death was military related. You stopped talking mid-sentence and your face totally closed up, looking lifeless again and the thick accent was back. You went out through the door, and when I say through, I mean it. You ran into it and broke the damn door. Asshole. I had to pay for that!_

_You came back two times between today and that day, taking the muffin and milkshake, but staying silent. Staring and looking lifeless. You never stayed for a long time. I still thought about you, you know? The mystery confused man._

_Hey, if you need anything man, I'm here, okay? In case you forget, my name is Sam Wilson and I work at Gracie's shop. My number is 1417842048, call me if you need anything, or come here. You're always welcome._


	6. Chapter 6

_remember that feeling of being pulled down on a bed_   
_hard_   
_your heard pushed into the pillow_   
_so hard the human could barely breathe_   
_the burn of his jeans being forcefully removed_   
_the pinching_   
_his hand on the human's neck applying all his body's weight_   
_(the purple bruise that took months to heal)_   
_the burning sensation_   
_the humiliation_   
_the tears_   
_fu_   
_king fagg_   
_ot_   
_being so emotionally drained when he left_   
_dont tell_   
_steve_   
_neve_   
_r_   
_tell any_

_the creature had to stopped writing four times because it was vomiting really hard_   
_it is sick of these_   
_really sick_

_obediant fucking monster_   
_you will be an obediant fucking monster for me_   
_open your mouth_   
_yeah yeah like that_   
_oh_   
_obediant monster_   
_so good for me_   
_you like it dont you?_   
_of course you do you fucking creature_   
_you only live for that_   
_now on your tummy so i can fuck that hole dry_   
_no sounds monster_   
_I SAID NO SOUNDS_   
_if i hear something else i will cut you open again_   
_take it good_   
_take it hard_   
_i love it when you bleed_   
_obediant creature_

(tears and something that looks like vomit are visible on this page)

_i am so fucking sick of this_   
_why am i having these vivid dreams_   
_memories_   
_why is this so sickening_   
_what the fuck happened to you bucky?_   
_i cant do this anymore_   
_i cant_   
_im sorry steve_   
_i ca_

(the writing was barely readable with all the tears strains)


	7. Chapter 7

_before they brainwashed the creature real fucking hard_   
_i remember this_   
_it happened somewhere in 2011_   
_the creature had been out of the cryo for two weeks_   
_and it started to let the human take the wheel_   
_it was in romania_   
_the creature-human was at a concert_   
_don't remember why or who_   
_but it was mostly english but there was this one french song_   
_the second the singer got shirtless it knew_   
_the creature-human knew it had to get into his pants_   
_with its spy skills it got into the backstage to talk to him_   
_and the man was real fucking sweet_   
_reminded bucky of steve_   
_they fucked_   
_it was really really sweet_   
_makes the creature cringe right now_   
_asked the creature-human on a date_   
_the human said yes_   
_but the creature got the fuck away_   
_it was back in cryo twelve hours later_

The creature let out a sigh - it was unreal to have a sweet memory after three morbid ones. It opened his backpack to put his journal back in and it was the first time he noticed a white piece of folded paper underneath a water bottle. It took it out, frowning. The creature carefully unfolded it and read it.

_Hey Buck, it's me, Steve. I missed you so much, I thought you were dead. It sickens me to see you like that - what happened? Hydra?_   
_I'm writing this in case you forget me or..._   
_I actually don't know why I'm writing this._   
_Don't worry, I did not read your journal._   
_I missed you so fucking much, Bucky. And now that you're back in my life, I don't ever wanna lose you again._   
_Steve._

The creature felt pain inside his chest as he read the last part. Steve? Steve was alive? He was at Steve's place?

Sufficient knowledge.

_Yeah, you fucking idiot, you were. But you ran away. You ran away from him, like you always did when he got too close to you back in the forties._

The creature frowned at these invading thoughts, trying to figure out what it meant, but it had no clues. It also had no clue what to do with this information. Was it supposed to get back to Steve? But Steve thought it was still Bucky, but Bucky was long gone. What the hell was the thing supposed to do?

Then it remembered Sam's message. _I'm there if you need anything._ The creature tried to decide what it needed to do but its feet had already decided for it. They brought it to Gracie's shop. He came inside and instantly saw Sam, whom where behind the counter. He smiled brightly at the creature, "hey man! Two times in the same week! Are you going to leave for an other year now?"

Insufficient knowledge.

"Hope. not. I had. something to. ask you about."

"Huh?" His eyebrows lifted, "what's it about?" Sam sat down at the table near the creature, showing him to do the same.

"I just found. out Steve was alive. What should I. do."

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"Back in the. forties."

Sam frowned so hard, his eyebrows could have broke, his mouth also opening a little, "the fuck you even on man? Anyway," he shook his head, "maybe you should go to see him."

"But he. thinks I'm someone. I'm not," the creature's eyes looked even more lifeless than it did two seconds before he said that.

"If he's your bestfriend, he'll still accept you."

"I'm not. his best. friend. Bucky was and. I'm not Bucky."

"Then who the hell are you?"

"Insufficient knowledge."

"What the hell does that even mean?!"

"Sorry. I'm not used. to talk to. humans. Means I don't know."

Sam let out a huff, "I can see that. Hey, if you want, I could come with you."

"To see Steve. why."

"Why not?"

So the creature agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need friends


End file.
